when darkness gets there first

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” – Terry Pratchett


As he snores beside me the thoughts in my head repeat themselves like a broken record. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not talented enough. I’m not good enough. I am just simply not enough. With every thought, every fiber of my being, I doubt myself. I lay there thinking of all the dreams that have been lost. Even sleep itself seems a far away dream. So I just try to keep up with my racing thoughts, refusing to look at the clock. I think about all the failures and all the mistakes I’ve made throughout my life. There are many. Regret fills me and makes my stomach ache. I think about all the things I should do better. I think about how much I wish I was a better person.

There are times when the darkness hits me hardest when I’m sleeping. When I’m blissfully unaware of all the horrible things that life can throw at you. When my defenses are down. That’s when the darkness can hurt the most. I spend so many hours wrestling with my thoughts that it’s no longer that I can’t sleep; it’s that I am afraid to. Every heartbeat brings a new thought. And as my heartbeat quickens my thoughts flash through my mind like faces through the windows of a speeding train. And they start to hurt; the heartbeats and the thoughts… the self-torture. But still I lay there hoping eventually I will fall asleep from exhaustion. Hoping that I will tire myself out running from darkness.

Suddenly his alarm goes off and I know morning is coming. I toy with the idea of just getting out of bed. Maybe I’ll make myself some breakfast, watch the NHL channel, go outside with the dogs and drink a cup of coffee; do things to keep my mind occupied. Instead I stay in bed and try to embrace the darkness. It won’t last much longer. The sun will be coming up soon. I will lie silently in bed and try to familiarize myself with the demons that inhabit the dark. If I can teach myself to recognize them, maybe I can befriend them. Then I won’t be as afraid of them the next time they appear.

Sleep finally starts to take over about the same time my alarm sounds. I roll out of bed still haunted by the thoughts that took control of my night. I try to be optimistic about the day that lies ahead. I will have to deal with the twists and turns that present themselves to me. After every sleepless night, there are still more challenges that lie ahead and somehow, someway, I have to try to put a positive spin on that. I have to and that is all.

I’ve never been one of those people who think you can “choose” happiness. You can’t wake up one day and say, “I’m not going to be sad anymore,” and have it be so. What you can do is figure out a way to look at the good things… count your blessings. Each time a dark or scary thought comes to mind, think about the beautiful and bright aspects of your life. That can be hard to do sometimes.

We all have our own hole that we climb into from time to time. What makes us different is what we do while we’re there. Do you want to feel your feelings? Or would you rather take something to make them go away? I will always choose my feelings. Always. Sure, sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can see silver-linings and feel blessed and happy all the time. But then I wonder if I could ever again be filled with such joy that renders me speechless. Could I appreciate light without dark? My feelings aren’t always pretty because I have shadows. Most days I am okay with that. If I could only find a way to release the anxiety and the misery that too often comes with them.

Vote ASPCA

Meet Katie

She's around a year old. We got her from Pet Friends. She was picked up by Animal Control. Nobody came to get her so Pet Friends went to rescue her. She's very smart and mostly well-behaved. She loves to run around the yard (she's fast!), play ball, go for walks, and cuddle when she's tired herself out. She favors her new pink tennis ball over the balls that have been hanging around the house. She tore her pink ball into a few pieces but still prefers to play with the pieces of her ball over any of the old balls. *must buy her new balls* Every time I open a bag or a box, she's right there looking to see what kind of new toys or treats there are for her. (Sasha was always like that too.) When I get home from work, she wags her whole butt and gives me kisses.

I toyed with the idea of changing her name to Sadie, for S's sake but she looks more like a Katie.

I knew we would get another dog. I just didn't know how soon. Sebastian gained weight and started looking old. He moped around and looked sad all the time. When we had his play date with Katie, he ignored her for the most part. We hung out with her for about an hour. We took a walk, we played ball, we watched them to see how they'd interact (like I said, he mostly tried to ignore her). We decided to take her home and see how it worked out. It's been going pretty well. She has some behavioral ticks (she sticks her chest out and walks towards the cats and Sebastian and makes them feel threatened... she doesn't do it all the time though, just when she's bored which makes me think she just wants to play with them) that need worked on but other than that, she's been a good fit. Soda Pop hasn't been very nice to her which is odd because he's the nice cat. I think it's because Sasha was very cooperative with his lovebutts and face cleaning. He forced Sasha to love him right from the start (when he fit in the palm of my hand). I hope they warm up to each other. My FatCat loves his goggies. *sigh*

So anyway, we have some things that still need work but we love her. I mailed her license application and her microchip transfer today. I think we'll keep her.

Once upon a time, 11:59

It's finally here. FINALLY.

It's album release day. And it's amazing. It has been well worth the wait. I am so proud of him.

"11:59 is an album about embracing the moment. This moment we are all a part of right now. Living in the present tense. I hope you love it and I hope it means something to you." ~Ryan Star

This has been such a long wait but he is worth it. He made sure this album would be worth it for all of us that have believed in him since we first heard him. For some of us, like me, it was the day Rockstar Supernova aired in July 2006. For others, it was way back when Stage first blew their audiences away. He is very special to me. He has truly been an inspiration to me. He has reminded me to never give up hope and to never stop believing in yourself or your dreams. I still want to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “hope” in my handwriting with a little star above it. When I told him that, he said, “Good. That way you’ll never forget where to find it.” So the hope would be right there if I should ever lose it again and the star would be there to remind me how important it is to never give up. He is an amazing human being and a gifted musician. His lyrics have opened windows in my heart and my soul that had been closed for most of my life. I love this man and his music and I am so very proud to have been a part of his journey. So I figured the very least I can do is plug him as much as I possibly can.

Buy it now! Also, my favorite song, Breathe, is free on iTunes right now. Free.

Yay Ryan!

My protector, my companion, my soul

RIP Sasha ~ love of my life

I love you forever.