when darkness gets there first

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” – Terry Pratchett


As he snores beside me the thoughts in my head repeat themselves like a broken record. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not talented enough. I’m not good enough. I am just simply not enough. With every thought, every fiber of my being, I doubt myself. I lay there thinking of all the dreams that have been lost. Even sleep itself seems a far away dream. So I just try to keep up with my racing thoughts, refusing to look at the clock. I think about all the failures and all the mistakes I’ve made throughout my life. There are many. Regret fills me and makes my stomach ache. I think about all the things I should do better. I think about how much I wish I was a better person.

There are times when the darkness hits me hardest when I’m sleeping. When I’m blissfully unaware of all the horrible things that life can throw at you. When my defenses are down. That’s when the darkness can hurt the most. I spend so many hours wrestling with my thoughts that it’s no longer that I can’t sleep; it’s that I am afraid to. Every heartbeat brings a new thought. And as my heartbeat quickens my thoughts flash through my mind like faces through the windows of a speeding train. And they start to hurt; the heartbeats and the thoughts… the self-torture. But still I lay there hoping eventually I will fall asleep from exhaustion. Hoping that I will tire myself out running from darkness.

Suddenly his alarm goes off and I know morning is coming. I toy with the idea of just getting out of bed. Maybe I’ll make myself some breakfast, watch the NHL channel, go outside with the dogs and drink a cup of coffee; do things to keep my mind occupied. Instead I stay in bed and try to embrace the darkness. It won’t last much longer. The sun will be coming up soon. I will lie silently in bed and try to familiarize myself with the demons that inhabit the dark. If I can teach myself to recognize them, maybe I can befriend them. Then I won’t be as afraid of them the next time they appear.

Sleep finally starts to take over about the same time my alarm sounds. I roll out of bed still haunted by the thoughts that took control of my night. I try to be optimistic about the day that lies ahead. I will have to deal with the twists and turns that present themselves to me. After every sleepless night, there are still more challenges that lie ahead and somehow, someway, I have to try to put a positive spin on that. I have to and that is all.

I’ve never been one of those people who think you can “choose” happiness. You can’t wake up one day and say, “I’m not going to be sad anymore,” and have it be so. What you can do is figure out a way to look at the good things… count your blessings. Each time a dark or scary thought comes to mind, think about the beautiful and bright aspects of your life. That can be hard to do sometimes.

We all have our own hole that we climb into from time to time. What makes us different is what we do while we’re there. Do you want to feel your feelings? Or would you rather take something to make them go away? I will always choose my feelings. Always. Sure, sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can see silver-linings and feel blessed and happy all the time. But then I wonder if I could ever again be filled with such joy that renders me speechless. Could I appreciate light without dark? My feelings aren’t always pretty because I have shadows. Most days I am okay with that. If I could only find a way to release the anxiety and the misery that too often comes with them.