eye candy

Sawyer is very drool worthy.



I keep trying to think Sayid is hot because I like him. I'm just not attracted to him.


And some more Jared because, well, just because.



I read some "news" about his supposed girlfriend today that made me very happy. Stupid little skank. *grin*

A few pictures

oops. I mean...

Love of my life

I have been blessed because I have two. I have my Sasha. She has been such a part of me. I love her so much. I can't explain it. If you're a dog person, you know what I mean. If you're not, you don't have a clue. She'll be eleven in December.

And I have Shawn. He is wonderful. I am a lucky lucky girl. We have been together for three years and a little over three months. We have lived together for just about as long. I knew I would marry him. I knew I would be with him for the rest of my life. He is strong and he makes me feel safer than I ever have. Safer than I ever thought I could. I looked at him yesterday when he walked in the door and felt blissfully happy.

Four days.

yikes

Last night, Shawn's cousins took me out. It was me, my mom, my friend Dee, and Shawn's sister-in-law and four of his cousins. I got totally shitfaced and puked my guts out. Luckily, only my mom, Dee and one of Shawn's cousins saw me fall out of the van (twice) and vomit. Dee was so upset, she called poison control. *snort* *sigh* heh Shawn carried me into the house and threw me on the living room floor. Thank cod for my really strong honey. :) My face hurts today but other than that, I'm pretty okay. Strangely, I didn't really drink that much. Well, for me it's not that much. Or, at least, it didn't use to be. I don't think I'll be drinking anybody under the table any time soon. I drank vodka martinis (of course) and did a couple blow jobs. I, might I add, do the blow jobs the way they are supposed to be done. *grin* I called Shawn after the first one and said, "Honey, I just did a blow job and it came out my nose." He found that amusing. I don't remember a whole lot after a certain point. Dee filled me in today. But. I'm going to keep not remembering. That's the beauty of being shitfaced. My mom said my face hurts today because I fell face first out of the van when they opened the door. Twice. heh Oh. Did I mention that Shawn's dad was here (at my house) when they dragged my puking body into the house? But Shawn's cousin, Robyn, said he seemed kind of proud. He said, "Usually it's the guys that get like this. I'm sure Shawn's been in the position a time or two." And he laughed. I've decided I'm not drinking at the reception. *snort* yeah right.

and Yay! I fixed my icon. :) Now it's back to being moving beauty.

Carey's dad

Carey called me (and left me a message, I didn't answer it in time) a little after 4:00 (1:00 her time). She said that the surgery went smoothly and according to planned with no problems. They were taking him up to ICU and, of course, wouldn't know anything until he woke up. She asked if there was any way I could let people know. I figured this would be the best way to let everybody know.

*hugs* for Carey. My thoughts remain with you and your family. I love you, Sunshine.

FYI

If he wouldn't have made the jury, I was going to quit watching Survivor.




Stupid show. hrmpf.

I found a fitting quote today

and I wanted to save it somewhere. So I found a file that I had, at some point, been saving quotes to. Here are some of them:

"What worries me the most is that most men are so weak. Because of that they act like they don't care and like machos - because they are too fragile inside. They're scared of confrontation and afraid of so many things." -- Salma Hayek

"My idea of feminism is self-determination, and it's very open-ended: every woman has the right to become herself, and do whatever she needs to do. " -- Ani DiFranco

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."-- Lamartine.

"Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy." -- Aristotle

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." -- Eleanor Roosevelt


and the one I found today:

"But, I think it's an indefinable thing. Really, it's just I kind of get obsessed with something – I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing – and I just go with it." – Jared Leto

Airborne

Carey told me you are supposed to dissolve them in water. Who knew? I've been sucking on them. heh. I don't read directions good. *big doofus grin*

I am getting married in 11 days

yeesh. That came up quickly.

Watch it live online! www.cupidswedding.com

For those of you coming to the reception, we are thinking we will play the DVD of the ceremony there. I thought that would be cute.

*grin*

Even Shannon knows that his brother is beautiful

He's not only a good drummer, he's an excellent photographer. He took these pictures of my beloved:







Kudos for Shannon. Oh. He also took that bathtub picture that I posted before.

These posts are really just for my viewing pleasure. *grin* *swoon* *sigh*

"I'm just really, like, low. I'll just find any excuse to touch him."

Oh boy. Ummm. Where do I start? Hmmm. Okay. I got to Jen's around 2:30 or shortly before. I tried not to think about where we were actually, like, going. I panicked a few times at her house. I'd like to say though that I'm pretty proud of myself. My hands were shaking pretty badly so I was worried that my whole body would be shaking by the time we got to the concert. We got in the car and I think I said something like, "I actually feel pretty calm right now. *pause* heh. Probably until we get out of the car." We parked the car and walked across the street and saw the line. Then we saw Shannon (the drummer. Jared's brother). Jen said, "Is that..." I said, "Shannon. Yes." And then my knees gave out and I almost fell down. The reality of the situation was back again and hitting me full force. We weren't as close to the stage as I would have liked to be but we were pretty close. He climbed stuff and stage dived and jumped off of balconies. At one point, he spit up into the air and I swooned. I just think that's so hot. He's beautiful. I almost fell a few times but I'm proud to say that I did not. He looked, sounded and acted perfectly. He didn't fall in love with me but as Jen mentioned, it was really just too hectic and he didn't really get a chance to appreciate me. So yeah, that must be it. *grin* He said towards the end of the show, "Whoever pulled my dick off before, I'd like it back." Or something along those lines. I, of course, screamed, "I'll take it!" heh. Then he mentioned that they'd be signing stuff in the back. Jen and I went back and I stood at the table. AT the table. A few minutes later, there they were. ACROSS THE TABLE. Luckily, people were kind of pushing at me and holding me up against the table. Because otherwise, I'm positive that I would have fallen. Jared was standing right in front of me. Literally like a foot or two away. So not only were we breathing the same air we were actually like sharing air. I was probably inhaling his exhales for several minutes. I said, "I love you" a few times but I don't think it was really audible. He smiled at me. I giggled. I asked him if I could take his picture. He smiled at me again and said, "Aww. I'm sorry. We can't do that." (Jen later said this was probably a misunderstanding and he probably thought I meant a picture of me and him. Which would have been fabulous but there were too many people there so that's not actually what I meant.) So I bought a t-shirt and Jen and I each got a wristband. They signed them and we had to back away from the table. We went to get a drink and then came back. And I stared at him. I just stood there and stared at him. Somebody gave them something, dog tags or something, and Jared was opening the plastic baggie thing that it was in with his teeth. I was looking at him and swooning because he is so impossibly fucking beautiful and he looked up at me. So I looked away. *snort* I'm such a loser. But wait, it gets worse. Everybody started clearing out and Jen said, "Go shake his hand and say (something - I didn't hear what she said)." I'm like, "Wait. Say what?" She's like, "just whatever." Okay. So I walk up to him. He smiles. I put my hand out. He shakes it, and says real cute-like "hi. How you doing?" He's saying this as he's squeezing my hand. I giggled and smiled and said something like, "mrembalabolam." So we let go and I turned around to Jen. I'm kind of like rolling my eyes in my mind. What a fucking idiot. *snort* So that reminded me of this. "You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain? And it just keeps sounding stupider? And you have to say something else just to make it stop?" Some guy tried hitting on me but I told him I was in love with Jared Leto. His friend said, "Oh jeez. He's (Jared) over there and he's (his friend) is right here." I smiled and said "aww" and walked over to Jen at the bar. There was a gorgeous blonde guy there. He was tall and had long blonde hair and even Jen thought he was hot so you know he was hot because Jen doesn't like guys with long hair. Under different circumstances (like I'm getting married in two weeks and Jared Leto was in the building), I might have hit on him. Another thing of note... There was this guy standing beside us sort of almost in front of Jen a few times. He was tall and he kept going away and coming back. During a quiet moment he said, "You fucking suck! Bring on Seether!" I wanted to kill him. I said, "Fuck you you fucking asshole. Why don't you move so people who actually want to see the show can see? You motherfucker." Jen put her arm up to hold me back. We're not sure if he heard me. Then when we were back at the table (before the hand-shaking incident), he came back. He stood at the table. He didn't say anything to them or buy anything. He was just like looking at them. So I said, "What the fuck are you doing here, asshole?" We're not sure if he heard that either. So after they went away, I looked at my shirt. They all sign with a symbol. It occurs to me that somebody, I think Shannon, signed my shirt twice and Jared didn't sign it at all. *pout* So next time, I'm wearing it and I'm having him sign right over my heart. I'm very happy to say that I remain totally in love with him. Probably more so.

He wore this:

He smiled at me

I swooned. More details later.

ummm

Two days. What should I wear?

*panic*

"The whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric."

Okay. I don't mean that my heart is going to get broken or anything. I'm not that nuts. What I'm saying is that this is a safe crush. It's safe for me to be obsessed with Jared/Jordan. If something happens to make that go away, I'm nervous about where my thoughts will go. If I don't have something to focus on, my mind goes to really strange places. Not that I don't think this is strange, mind you. Just all of these "what if" thoughts. What if I would have broken up with my ex-boyfriend and went to that guy. I wouldn't have Shawn. He wouldn't have his daughter. What if I would have stayed with my ex-husband. *shudder* I need those thoughts to stay away. I need something else to think about. To occupy my brain. When I'm about to take a huge step, or even a big step, hell any step really, I panic. I start to wonder "what if." I've focused on Jared Leto for a reason, you know. Oh jeez. I'm reminded of another MSCL quote..."It's like you think you're safe or something, because you can just walk away, anytime, because you don't like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is, you're wrong." Which isn't exactly fitting and makes me sound even more crazed but I was just reminded of it. Coming face to face with Jared Leto and thinking he's a turd, will not hurt me because Jared Leto is a turd. It will hurt, well no, not hurt, but it will something me because I need this to focus on. I don't think I could ever be this focused on any other celebrity. Ever. And celebrity crushes are so perfect for me, somebody who isn't at all perfect. Another quote that I'm reminded of (that I actually had to look up - which is cool because now I know I can actually look up My So Called Life quotes. Heh): "It's amazing the things you notice. Like the corner of his collar that was coming undone, like he was from a poor family and couldn't afford new shirts. That's all I could see. The whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric. It's such a lie that you should do what's in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would come to a halt."
I need Jared's collar to be intact.


And here I go revealing too many thoughts. Maybe this should have gone to my private blog. *sigh* Or better yet, just stayed in my head.

"It was the perfect moment for him to kiss me... For him to anything me."

--- Angela Chase My So Called Life

I’m sure it isn’t normal or healthy for me to be this obsessed with Jared Leto. I mean, come on, I’m not stupid and I’m not a silly teenager. I’m 32 years old and I’m getting married in less than three weeks. 18 days, to be exact. Ack!!!! Anyway, I’ve been so obsessed with Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars and Jordan Catalano. Yes, Jordan Catalano. Yes, a television character from the 90s. I love him. LOVE him. “I'm in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He was left back, twice. Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz. He's always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things." I want to have babies with him and touch his hair. So I started to do some thinking about this little Jordan Catalano obsession. I remember watching that show and falling in love with him at the very first instant they showed him. How could you not? He’s impossibly beautiful. Blue eyes. Gorgeous bone structure. Soft hair. That perfect curve to his lips. But come on. Jordan Catalano? He was not a good boyfriend. Think about it. He ignored Angela in front of his friends. He broke up with her because she didn’t want to have sex. He blew her off on several occasions. And let’s not forget, he slept with her best friend. He slept with her best friend. I remember not being mad at him. Just like when I watched it a few weeks ago and a few years ago. I just remember having that “oh how could you? Shame on you, Jordan” reaction back then too. Never did he lose any of the dreaminess that had built up to this point. Never did I want her to end up with Brian Krakow. Not even now. Watching it as a 32 year old woman, I have the same reaction to Jordan Catalano. So for me, a Jordan Catalano fan, all I had to do was look at him and I immediately forgave him. Or actually, in my eyes, there was nothing to forgive. But if that were real life? If Angela was a friend of mine (or me)? I would have killed him. I would have made his life a living hell. Wait. Would I have? Probably not. I’m so seduced by his looks, his voice, his smile, that I’d forgive and defend him anything. "I did an undefendable thing. I created my own prison, and I have to exist in it. Maybe I had a... wish... or whatever, to punish you. An unconscious wish. You've heard of them, right?" I’ve never had a Jordan Catalano. I’ve never had an impossibly beautiful boyfriend. I guess that’s a good thing. I would have let him walk all over me. Is it enough that somebody looks that good? It shouldn’t be, should it?

I think that for some reason, some part of my brain needs to feel that fantasy about somebody. And it’s better that this person is a celebrity because really there’s no like chance that anything will ever come of it. Probably you’ll never even be in the same room as that person. I need to feel that excitement when thinking about somebody. So now I’m going to actually, like, see him. We're going to be in the same room. I'll be, like, breathing his air. I’m very nervous about this concert. Like unrealistically nervous. To have somebody on a pedestal like that. To realize that this is the most beautiful being you have ever seen. It’s just very scary for me to come face to face with that. I’ve asked these questions a lot (to Carey, Jen and Augie) because they are actual fears that I have. What if he does something that I don’t like? What will happen to my fantasy then? Or what if he does everything right? What if he looks perfect, sounds perfect, acts perfect, smiles perfect? What then?

I'm very nervous about the preservation of my fantasy. *sigh* I don't want to wake up one day and be over Jordan Catalano.