And just like that, my brain is back to normal functioning. Maybe I have finally had my closure. I don't know. I'm not sure. But I feel good today. I don't feel destroyed like I usually do. And I mean, it usually lasts for... well, ever.
I think I'm okay.
Today is good.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
It's been a while
wow. I never thought I'd be here again. I mean that by here, typing in this blog, and here, like back to John brain.
My dad called me last Tuesday and told me Peg died. Firstly, she was a dear friend of mine whom I have loved and cherished for over 20 years. Secondly, she's John's mother.
Shawn and I went to the funeral home on Friday night. Joe (John's brother) leaped from his chair to hug me when he saw me. John was talking to somebody so we waited until he was done. Our eyes met and I got a feeling he was both surprised and not surprised to see me. He hugged me and I put my face in his neck (I don't know why) and he put his in mine and made a sound. Like a sigh and an mmmm. It took me off guard so I pulled away and said, "How are you doing?" Not in a casual way but in that funeral way. He said, "Good. I'm good. Did you see Harry Steiner?"
My dad said Chick wouldn't recognize me but I think he did. He looks terrible. So old and fragile. Not like my Chick. He grabbed my hand and I bent down to kiss his cheek.
I said goodbye to Peg and then we left. On our way out the door, my dad and stepmom were talking to John's wife. We paused there briefly and she said she doesn't think she'd ever met me before. I think I managed to not roll my eyes and she hugged me. Apparently my dad and stepmom hang out with them sometimes. Like seriously? I could puke. But he's been friends with John longer than I've known him so... ugh.
John was in the hall talking to some people. I waved goodbye and he said, "wait. Did you see Harry Steiner?" Like that's the only thing he can say to me. So awkward.
And now, of course, I am back to feeling destroyed. The same way I always feel when I see him, hear his name, have a dream about him, hear a song that reminds me of him...
and so it goes.
"Stone Cold"
My dad called me last Tuesday and told me Peg died. Firstly, she was a dear friend of mine whom I have loved and cherished for over 20 years. Secondly, she's John's mother.
Shawn and I went to the funeral home on Friday night. Joe (John's brother) leaped from his chair to hug me when he saw me. John was talking to somebody so we waited until he was done. Our eyes met and I got a feeling he was both surprised and not surprised to see me. He hugged me and I put my face in his neck (I don't know why) and he put his in mine and made a sound. Like a sigh and an mmmm. It took me off guard so I pulled away and said, "How are you doing?" Not in a casual way but in that funeral way. He said, "Good. I'm good. Did you see Harry Steiner?"
My dad said Chick wouldn't recognize me but I think he did. He looks terrible. So old and fragile. Not like my Chick. He grabbed my hand and I bent down to kiss his cheek.
I said goodbye to Peg and then we left. On our way out the door, my dad and stepmom were talking to John's wife. We paused there briefly and she said she doesn't think she'd ever met me before. I think I managed to not roll my eyes and she hugged me. Apparently my dad and stepmom hang out with them sometimes. Like seriously? I could puke. But he's been friends with John longer than I've known him so... ugh.
John was in the hall talking to some people. I waved goodbye and he said, "wait. Did you see Harry Steiner?" Like that's the only thing he can say to me. So awkward.
And now, of course, I am back to feeling destroyed. The same way I always feel when I see him, hear his name, have a dream about him, hear a song that reminds me of him...
and so it goes.
"Stone Cold"
Stone cold, stone cold
You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor
Stone cold, stone cold
Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore
You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor
Stone cold, stone cold
Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore
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