I'm not angry because somebody did something to anger me. Well, I guess I anger myself. Every time I'm about to take a plunge. Every time I'm about to take a big step with Shawn, I'm reminded somehow in some way of a different time of my life. When I made a decision to let somebody go. To make him go away. To make him hate me. Last night it was coming face to face with that somebody. Face to face for the second time in two months. I had gone about four years with that only happening at the big club picnics. I knew Shawn shooting on the pool league might eventually set me a few steps back. Last night it did. Here I am talking to my dad and Shawn about picking a date for the big Vegas wedding and in walks *somebody*. Today is not good for me. I drank too much vodka and cried too much last night. My heart breaks at the mere mention of his name. When I see him, it shatters and falls to the floor in front of him. It was my decision to not be with him. I made him go away. I told him he was bad for me. So I don't know where this comes from. And I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to let him go. Oh lord. Why did I write that? *sigh* Sarah McLachlan - Do What You Have To Do. I played that for him a bunch of years ago. This guy has had a hold on me for ten fucking years.
I don't know why I'm putting this here. I'm usually not quite this open. Just bear (or is it bare?) with me. I'll get back to being my closed up self soon enough.
Thankfully the other people in my department took the day off. The school is very quiet. Maybe nobody will see me cry and throw things. And quite possibly take a nap. heh.
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"...and imagine you're a girl just trying to finally come clean knowing full well they'd prefer you were dirty and smiling" -- ani difranco
About Me
Quotables
“I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable.” - Jim Morrison
"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." - Vi Putnam
"Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul." - Unknown
"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." - Vi Putnam
"Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul." - Unknown
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- well
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18 comments:
*hugs* and *smooches*
I love you Glowbug!
Oh no. I was hoping he wouldn't ever show up at pool league. I'm sorry, sweets. *sigh*
*hugs* Love you, hon.
I love you.
If you had just listened to me when I said that you and I were meant to be together and should fall in love. *shakes head* All our problems would be solved because we would have each other and that would create this huge ball of happiness. *grin*
In all seriousness, I love you and wish this didn't have to affect you the way that it does. *hugs*
See? Three people. *snicker*
Thank you. Love you too. *smooch*
I am trying to focus my energy on Jared Leto now.
nope, make it 4. I'm sorry to hear about you runnin into "him". I'm a big mess when it comes to all that stuff too. Maybe we can go in together and write the anti-dating book, how NOT to date.
{{ hugs }}
I wish I could take the pain away from you sweetie! *HUGS* I love you Glowie!!!! Don't cry.
Love you too, Nookie.
I'm kind of glad I put this here. It's nice to have support or whatever.
Thank you again. *smooches* and *pokes*
Thanks for sharing this glow, it srtuck a chord with me, as I bet it does with a lot of people. I'm sorry you had to run into him, hopefully it won't happen again.
{{hugs}}
Oh sweetie! I have been where you are! Torn that I was marrying the wrong guy between the one I pushed away and the one that I kept. It took many years of wondering if I made the right choice and you know what? I'm still with the one that I kept! I know I made the right choice and you know what the right choice is for you too. Chin up!
{{{hugs}}}
oh sweetie big {{{HUGS}}} for you. We are all here for you, don't feel like you can't open up because you can.
*smooch*
Big {{{HUGS}}}, glowie. I don't have anything else to add, just wanted to let you know I care.
Glow Pop. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and sad. If it makes you feel any better, even those of us who feel right together and who have been married at some point have that little nagging question in the back of our minds. (Only, our nagging questions do not walk into pool halls). But honestly, there is no such thing as a picture perfect dream relationship. And above all, would you want to be with someone that elicits and invokes THAT much emotion? *big hug* I adore you Glow Pop. You are sweet as sugar.
I like this. Same for you, all the words in the world cannot cancel sunlight. mmaybe it's an oasis, maybe an internment camp. I cannot yet tell.
http://garyjin.blogspot.com
read my spot. drop me a line. I like to correspond.
Aw, c'man.
Gary Introne
njabate@aol.com
Poor Glowie! Trust yourself, you will make the right decision. Everyone has doubts. You are one smart, tough cookie!
*smooch*
I just wanna {{{{{hug}}}}} ya.
I have a similar "man" in my life.
I think it's the guilt that I actually broke his heart that makes me still care for him.
But I don't love him. This I know. I care for his welfare because at one time I loved him.
I still look for him. I want to apologize, even though I know I'll never be able to.
*big hugs* Glow. Sometimes I think it takes years to understand, and accept, why we do things. I hope that one day soon you will be at peace with the decisions you have made in the past.
Love you sweetie.
I don't know how I missed this before.
Lots of hugs to you. Like others have said, I have one of these too -- someone similar. And I can promise you it really does get better.
It took me over 10 years to completely get over mine. And the last time I saw him, I was a happily married newlywed, but there was still something there. It was much much better, but there was a small something still there.
I haven't seen him now in three years. Haven't seen him, haven't talked to him, haven't emailed with him.
I gave up so much for him. So so much, but things worked out for the best. Things really do happen for a reason.
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