deja vu

I woke up this morning, not thinking about you
Like I've taught myself to do
But in the still of the silence
I'm reminded of you
And just like that, it all comes back
Déjà vu

Oh here I go again (again)
From the beginning and, oh
I watch us fall too fast (too fast)
I can't escape the Love we made, the fights we had
The slamming doors and broken glass
And just like that, it all comes back to you
Déjà vu
Déjà vu

I won't ever get used to, watchin' me lose you
Over and over again
I've gotten good at pretending
That I'm okay, but up here in my head
I see your clothes on the carpet
Your arms wrapped around me
On the floor in the living room
And I almost believed that
I'm really here with you
And just like that, it all comes back
Déjà vu

So yeah. I sent him a friend request. He accepted. I messaged him to apologize and he asked why I was apologizing. We ended up texting for a couple hours the other day. He reminded me of something I said. 

I texted him the next day to tell him I remembered meeting him at a bar where Nick was working. And asked if I misremember his hair being black. He said that it was and remembered the bar. Then he brought up the night I saw him at a bar and he came home with me. I said I never really forgot that night. He asked me what I remember about it. I didn’t get into specifics just said Kristin was there, she went to bed, things happened, Eric called. He said “yep. I remember.” What was I supposed to say, “I remember it being the last time I had good sex”? It seriously was. How sad is that. Dave liked to dry hump like a 13 year old. There was oral but sex was a handful of times over the years I was with him. And Shawn... well... it is what it is. 

Timeline: Saturday night sent friend request. Sunday afternoon request accepted. Monday night message sent. Tuesday afternoon he messaged me after work (he works overnight). Tuesday night we texted. Wednesday night we texted. Thursday I talked to Kristin. Or was that Wednesday too? Anyway it helped a little to talk. She asked if we were going to meet up. I said that wasn’t discussed. She asked if I would. Said that’s really how I’d figure out what’s going on... are there actual feelings or just memories. I told her I don’t really have any doubt how I’d feel if I saw him. It’s been a long time but he’s still him. And underneath everything, I am still me.  So I don’t know if meeting up is the best or worst idea ever.

I’ve always said that shawn let’s me be myself but I’m not really sure that’s even true. Looking at old pictures and having old memories coming back... I’m not who I was. I feel caged. Chained. I think I need to let her out again. 

I’ve also always said it was Eric that ruined my life but I think it was ultimately Dave. They were both mistakes but Dave was no good for me... on any level. He tried to mold me into who he wanted but that didn’t work out for him. And I wasted so much time. Bob and I were happening for about two and a half years... if I can just remember when we stopped happening. But that seems about right. If I wouldn’t have met Dave, I might have tracked Bob down more. I don’t know. Who can say? I started working with Dave in August of 1996. We started hanging out probably around November or December. It started as friends. But ugh... 

I’m thinking that child was Bob’s and if it would have survived maybe... just maybe we would have. But again, who knows? He was 19, you know... I’m killing myself over what ifs. And I am dying inside wanting to see him.