ack

This cruise is in six weeks. I was looking at shoes and bathing suits and trying to get an idea of what clothes to take with me. Then it hit me again. I don't want to leave my dogs for ten days. Shawn's friend is staying (supposed to stay) at our house. My mom said she'd come over one or two days (80-100 mile round trip for her so I can't really ask her to make a daily trip). I'm leaving my neighbors' number with him (the ones that helped us with Sebastian). My sister and the kids will come over once or twice, I'm sure. But I just can't get rid of this pit in my stomach. Maybe, hopefully, I can get my neighbors to make daily visits. That would make me feel better. Not good, but better at least. :(

Tell me they will be okay.

How do you

push something out of your brain that haunts your every thought?
Watching Friday Night Lights helped for the most part. But then my brain would go, I wonder what blah blah blah. Writing about Friday Night Lights helps but I'm at work and I can't really spend my day writing... or watching television.
I can't read things. I can't concentrate on work. I can't do anything without these thoughts going *pop* into my head. I mean, my brain is never free from thoughts. I feel like it's going to explode... or implode. People always say to think about nothing. That isn't really possible. I try to ignore things by not talking about them but I think that makes me think about them more. I don't want to talk about them though and it's making me crazy (crazier). I don't know why I do the things that I do or why I am the way that I am but I do and I am. Is that something you can apologize for? Being who you are, I mean.

If you have any ideas please share them with me. Please.

There will never be another you

February 20, 1967 - April 5, 1994


August 22, 1967 - April 5, 2002


"Kurt and I weren't the closest of friends, but I knew him well enough to be devastated by his death. For such a quiet person, he was so excited about having a child." - Layne Staley

in the studio

go here to see Randy's submission for On The Lot.
http://films.thelot.com/films/3083

I've been writing a lot

but I can't seem to stay with one thing. I've started three or four novels over the past year or so. Maybe this is how I'll spend my time on that cruise (yeah right. I'll be drunk on the boat or off the boat shopping and beaching for nine days). Let everybody go do their thing and hang out on the in-laws balcony and write. Sometimes I tend to do better with a pen in my hand but lately I've been okay with the keyboard. It's all the distractions that fuck me up. I'm kind of loving the last one I started. I know where I want it to go and how I want it to get there. Plus it has more depth than the last one. I need to find a way to commit to it. If only people would stop asking me to do actual work and just stay out of my office. *grin*